The Phallacy of Doctor Who

In 1963, a little family show called Doctor Who premiered. It didn’t attract much attention at first, but it soon proved to be a grower, not a shower, becoming one of the biggest things on television. While it seems like it would be hard to keep it up, Doctor Who continues to excite and titillate to this very day. What is the secret to its incredible length?

I don’t know, but it sure does have a lot of dicks in it.

I have scoured through the entire show and cultivated the best phallic imagery that Doctor Who has to offer and put it in this handy top ten list. I hope it arouses your interest.

Honorable Mention: Putting the Wood in Torchwood

While the 2005 relaunch of Doctor Who isn’t quite as explicit in its dickish displays as the classic series, it still honored that tradition with a big bang in its very first series. While the Schlechter Wolf Bomb from the Ninth Doctor episode The Doctor Dances isn’t necessarily a phallic prop on its own, once the rascally Captain Jack sits astride it, it definitely becomes one.

And what better way to start this list that with an appearance by the man who would lead his own Doctor Who spin-off that at one point featured evil alien sex gas.

10. Teshtes

In the same way that bombs aren’t necessarily penis metaphors, guns aren’t either. But the Tesh gun from the Fourth Doctor serial The Face of Evil at least has the balls to back it up.

Balls blink, right?

9. Sonic Blast

Ever since its introduction in the Second Doctor serial Fury from the Deep, the sonic screwdriver has been an incredibly useful aid for the Doctor.

It only became more useful throughout the years, usually with explosive results.

And recently, it even adapted to reach some of those hard to reach places.

Hell, it even vibrates.

8. Master of Their Domain

While the Doctor’s best frenemy the Master doesn’t have a sonic screwdriver, they do have their own overcompensation device: the Tissue Compression Eliminator.

However, despite its pleasing appearance, it unfortunately causes shrinkage.

7. Got Wood?

In the Sixth Doctor serial The Mark of the Rani, the titular Rani places mines in a forest that don't explode when you step on them, but rather they turn you into a tree.

And you may think I'm going out on a limb to say this is phallic, but that limb is definitely a dick.

6. A Sensual Sensor

In the Third Doctor serial The Time Monster, the Doctor used a time sensor, or as Jo Grant called it the “TARDIS Sniffer-Outer,” to search for The Master’s TARDIS.

Considering its design, we can only assume it honed in on Big Dick Energy.

5. Fire Down Below

In the Fifth Doctor serial Planet of Fire, an alien artifact is discovered in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Lanzarote.

One might think its dildo design is purely accidental, but in a serial where not one, but two companions strip down to their undies, you start to wonder...

...what is she gonna do with that thing?

4. The Penis of Peladon

Alpha Centauri, a hermaphrodite hexapod, was introduced in the Third Doctor serial The Curse of Peladon and returned in The Monster of Peladon and much more recently in the Twelfth Doctor episode Empress of Mars.

The director of The Curse of Peladon, Lennie Mayne, was less than thrilled when he initially saw the design for Alpha Centauri’s costume.

He reportedly said “It looks like a fucking prick.”

The costume designer, Barbara Lane, quickly added a yellow cloak to the costume to distract from this dickish design.

After seeing this, Lennie Mayne updated his thoughts: “Now it looks like a prick in a cape.”

Of course, always hanging out with the dome-headed and ribbed-for-her-pleasure Ice Warriors doesn’t exactly help either.

3. When Phallic Met Yonic

In the Sixth Doctor serial Terror of the Vervoids (which itself was a part of the larger season-long story The Trial of a Time Lord), the Doctor encountered a bunch of genetically engineered plant people who liked to go around doing some murder.

It’s uncertain if they were also genetically engineered to look like a penis popping out of a vagina, but I’m not complaining.

2. A Probing Entry

This rather long fellow slid out of its glory hole in the Second Doctor serial The Krotons.

Its main function was to scope out the Doctor, but be careful not to rub it the wrong way or it will shoot its load all over you.

1: That’s a Big One

If you’re looking for the best bang for your buck, look no further than the Fourth Doctor serial The Creature from the Pit.

First off, you’ve got this giant pierced penis spaceship:

And don’t forget the balls! Those large hairy balls...

But the highlight of the episode… the gigantic granddaddy of dickish delights… the testitular titan itself…

Erato. I’m not making that up. That enormously elephantine erotic erection is named Erato.

Here he is making uncomfortable advances on a guy named Organon:

And there’s this infamous scene of the Fourth Doctor attempting to orally communicate with the creature and completely blowing it:

When they brought this bad boy out on the set, the crew immediately broke out in laughter. Because dicks are funny. (Why else would you be reading this article?)

In an attempt to stifle the laughter, the producers worked overnight to add pincers to the prop to lessen the perceived phallusness of the protuberance.

Now it’s a prick with pincers.

8===================================D

It’s not always been easy for Doctor Who. In fact, at times, it’s been very hard. The show faced a lot of stiff competition and even went through a 16-year dry spell. But no matter how long they were down and no matter how badly they cocked it up... they would eventually rise to the occasion.

So now that we’re through dicking around, I hope you’ve come to appreciate the lengths Doctor Who would go to in order to remain upright for all these years.